Hello I'm from the Government with an
update on how we're handling the climate crisis

We know you're all counting on us
to solve this problem

so humanity can keep
enjoying its favourite pastime

Continuing to live on this planet

But you see, we've realised that
we are the problem

and so...
how shall we put this...

We're actually going to
get us all killed


Look at this graph shaped like a penis coz
it shows how fucked we are

This is where we are now, and as we can see
it's Already Pretty Fucked

With massive fires, floods, heatwaves, locusts

bullshit

This is what scientists call the
Stop Here Or We're Fucked point

And this is where we're currently headed

Or as scientists call it:
Net Fucked by 2050

The good news is we've
promised to reduce our emissions

And if you take all our promises and add them together

that puts us on track for...

“Still Very Much Fucked by 2050”

    "Immernoch ziemlich gefickt bis 2050"

And that's if we keep our promises

A big if since some of our biggest promises
are being Koch-blocked by corporate coal shills

While others are nothing more than Blah Blah Blah
or a plan printed on a pamphlet

PLANPHLET!

Our promises and planphlets are also based
on the hope that we'll offset our emissions

with technologies which
don't work or even fucking exist

Or with technologies that
do work and exist - like trees

Except trees need time to grow,
which we don't have

And space, which we also don't have

Plus trees can burn, which seems
to happen a lot these days, due to

CLIMATE CHANGE

And when they do, they release
all that carbon they captured

Which means the only way we can keep
our promises is to *stop* emitting carbon

Are we doing that?

God no


We've been subsiding it at a rate of $11
million dollars per minute

Which discourages investment in renewables
by distorting the market

And that's why there's a huge gap between
our promises and where we need to be

We don't talk about that gap, coz that would
entail a complex process called: Being Honest

Being Honest would mean
admitting that we're failing

And we can't do that
coz then we'd have to stop failing

That would mean ending fossil-fuel subsidies
and banning all new gas, coal and oil projects

And to anyone suggesting harming
our precious children like that, we say

“HOW DARE YOU"


So, Being Honest isn't an option for us

Which is why we've come up with the next
best alternative:

NET ZERO BY 2050

Net Zero by 2050 means that instead of Being
Honest this decade, by taking this path

We leave the Being Honest part to the last
minute by taking that path instead

As you can see, both lead to Net Zero in 2050,
but they're very different journeys

Coz this path adds this many emissions to
the atmosphere

And that one adds three times as much

And since emissions are
what's causing the planet to warm

that means crossing the
Stop Here or We're Fucked point

Which risks setting off irreversible chain
reactions beyond our control

That's the exciting part of running
an experiment

with the only planet we know that supports
life in the whole fucking universe

Just so we can make
a few billionaires even richer

NET ZERO BY 2050

Anywho. Feel free to take over
from us at any time

Coz as you can see we're captured
by the fossil-fuel industry

Compromised by our moral
failings and lack of vision

and probably going to get us all killed

This has been a message from your
local Government franchise

Goodbye

Authorised by the Department for Blah Blah Blah